never play flip cup with pint glasses
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Im part way to drunk.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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