im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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