Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
