We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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