My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
