I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
