I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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