Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
