Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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