my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
