I will die if light touches me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
