this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
