hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
