She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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