I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
