so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
