Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
