The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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