Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize