I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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