He uses pillows to masturbate.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
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I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
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I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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