A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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