Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
