so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
