Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
