I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
