We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
