He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
