I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
