I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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