It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
