oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
