We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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