no, he came in my armpit
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
