Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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