i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
