I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
