i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
