sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
