Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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