I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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