Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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