my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
