i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
do herpes really smell.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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