omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
