you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
