i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
