woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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