Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
