Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
