I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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