Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
