a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
