I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
