I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
