Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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