I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
