Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
