I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
