Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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