Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
